Reasons for Leaving Moscow: #2

How much would you expect to pay for a good steak?


Ok.


In Russia, you are charged for your "garnish".  So, factoring this in, what about a good steak with mashed potatoes (no salad/vegetables/starter) and one drink (possibly alcoholic)?


Now imagine you're treating the friend who saw you through one of your lowest ebbs in Russia due to a pickpocketing incident-you'll need to multiply that original figure in your head by two.  


Add what you think passes as a reasonable tip considering it took over an hour from your initial order to your steak arriving.


Did you get £100?


Thought not.


So here's to looking forward to expertly cooked Gong Bao Ji Ding, as much rice as can one can humanly stomach and a veritable boat-load of half-litre bottles of Yanjing Beer all to be had for the princely sum of £4.

Tai gui le?  Bu-shi! Hai fei chang hao chi!

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"And apologise to him with a cup of tea!"


-D.

If only...

Despite having no real interest in the films to speak of, over the years I've played a surprising number of Star Wars games (Super Star Wars, Super Empire Strikes Back, Tie-Fighter, Rebel Assault, Star Wars: Pod Racer-best driving game ever by the way, after the original Super Mario Kart, of course-Jedi Knight, X-Wing Alliance, Jedi Academy, KotOR I and II, Empire at War, Star Wars Lego: The Complete Saga and even the rail shooter for the ZX-Spectrum, simply titled Star Wars). 

Ever since I can remember the PC-Zone magazine previews of Jedi Knight 2, and my brother and I dangerously re-enacting lightsabre duels whilst wielding old, heavy plastic tennis racquets during school summer holidays in South-Western Scotland, however, I couldn't help but secretly hope the day would come when I could purchase a multiplayer version of the game-one that would allow friends to band together for much needed Force fun.

Like when Revan used the spreader bar on Bastila Shan.

What with the media coverage and intensifying hype surrounding the impending release of Bioware's Star Wars: The Old Republic MMORPG, that day is looking increasingly likely; although I have my doubts that it will be anything more than a Star Wars themed contender to World of Warcraft's gold-hewn throne. 

Anyway, it got me to thinking about the two games that TOR will inevitably borrow from-The Knights of the Old Republic and its maddeningly disappointing follow-up, Knights of the Old Republic II.  As perhaps some of you may know (or not, as is most likely), Bioware refrained from developing The Knights of the Old Republic II in order to focus on their own intellectual properties, which ultimately gave birth to the excellent and ever-playable space-opera, Mass Effect.  A couple of years later, Bioware bestowed upon us the superlative sequel, Mass Effect 2.  Laid carefully next to one another, one can quite clearly see the evolution between both the series.

Of course, another of Bioware's highly anticipated games-Mass Effect 3-is due to come out at the end of this year, but given how much the company imported from KoTOR into Mass Effect, would it ever be possible for them to consider doing the same for a Mass Effect MMORPG using what they've learned on The Old Republic?

Food for thought.

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"It's a Trap!"

-D.

Challenge Accepted

Ross, a close friend of mine for many years now and commonly known in social circles as 'The Captain', has been the first to answer in the competition I launched a few days ago.  All I can say is: perceptive.  Perceptive, that is, if he didn't rely on the IMDB or Google.  


Nevertheless, Ross only gave an answer for that particular post.  The challenge was to discern the element running through all the quotes from April.  And to think, from an English teacher, too.  The scorn and ridicule that he lovingly heaps upon his pupils for their poor reading comprehension should be carefully stowed away in his English Department's textbook cupboard, lest the children find this shameful example during a lazy Sunday afternoon while cruising Google for the terms "Ross", "Teacher", and "Sex Offender".

Still, as a small consolation prize, I'll just leave this here.

Would you believe that Ross and I laughed at this for almost three days solid?

Correct answers, as usual, on a postcard.

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"Everyone is disappointing the more you know them."

-D.

Reasons for Leaving Moscow: #1

Yes-it's been confirmed, Asshat is leaving the building.  

On 1st June, Asshat will complete his final day at the school, yet will reside in my apartment till his flight back to Asstralia sometime mid-June.  As much of a relief as this happens to be (although not much consolation really, since I'm likely to be leaving around the same time), he continues to baffle in his attempts to reach new and profound levels of Asshatary: (1) Door/Cupboard slamming and Breakfast Bowl Scraping have risen an astonishing combined 130% over the past week, with more forecast over the coming weeks and (2) his invitations extended towards fellow Asshats has proven to be a most unwelcome distraction-Asshat's friend recently left at 2.10am.  On a Sunday night/Monday morning.  I have to be up at 7am through the week.

Anyway.

I could, by all accounts, stay in Moscow since I'd be separated from him by the world's largest land-mass and an ocean, but if the school are incapable of hiring people with a modicum of sense, manners and an ability to close doors without slamming them (as is also the case with the Bitch-Troll...well, except the slamming doors part), then I have no faith that they won't fall into the same trap again next year.  

While this isn't really a reason for wanting to leave Moscow (after all, I had some miserable fucking flatmates when I lived in France and I had no great desire to leave as a result of their dishwater dullness), the sooner that the Autistic Asshat is on his way back to his family and out of my sights, the better.   

Asshat's grandfather, circa 1910-notice the contours of the buttocks and how they make him look like a royally distinguished Asshat.  This type of Asshat was way ahead of the curve in early 20th Century low society.

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"You know what'd make me happy?"
"Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?" 


-D.

It's a good answer, but it's not right.

Pop-quiz, hot-shots: you may have noticed that at the end of each and every blog-posting, I 'sign out' with a quote-an idea that I've stolen liberally borrowed from Sir Bitchalot who, in turn, took inspiration from Penny Arcade who themselves acquired it from GodKnowsWhere.


Every quote from April (aside from April 2nd-that being a serious post and all),  had a common element/theme.  Without the use of Google, I challenge thee, dear reader, to guess the connection in the comments section.


If there's enough interest, I may consider actually doing this more often.  Winner buys me a beer when I come back from Moscow this summer .

Call me insecure about size till the cows come home, but I'll have the 5 litre one, thank you please.

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"Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Imagine being a gypsy."


-D. 

A Sad, Sad Day

Q. How do you know you're a teacher?  


A. When walking down the street you feel an overwhelming compulsion to tell random children that you pass to behave.

Pictured: The truly horrifying reality that is hurtling towards me.

And where are all the Publishers offering book deals to save me from this unbearably soul-crushing future?

Oh, yeah.  Right.  Never mind.

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"Yes, ya fuckin' godsend!"


-D.

This is the NEWS

Before I'm appropriately lambasted for the sheer lack of posts lately, I feel it pertinent to point out that it's a consequence of a trifecta of circumstances.

First and foremost, a few weeks ago, whilst taking care of a fellow drunken teacher (for once it was not me-result!) on a night out, I had my wallet (containing the rouble equivalent of about £100), my Nokia smartphone and my key stolen from my pockets.  Yes, I had been partaking in a few jars of ale (and a few snifters of port too, to boot), but I thought I would have noticed; evidently they're really good at it and this left me in a rather shitty quandary.  

The drunk colleague had been ferried to another teacher's apartment and I was effectively high and dry when I tried to grab a taxi and noticed that I'd been relieved of all my belongings (save my passport and a few hundred roubles I had stowed away in a secret pocket in the eventuality that something like this happened).  Unfortunately, Ass-hat was attending to business outside of Moscow meaning that at 3am in the morning there would be no-one to open my apartment; so I opted to take a taxi to a friend's apartment in the hope that I could plea for refuge.  Upon arrival (4am), I realised that I didn't know my friend's building entry code.  

Some of the coldest, most miserable hours of my life were spent on a bench outside that building, slowly and painfully sobering up as the sun rose and ushered in a new morning.

So, for the guts of a week, I was a bit out of sorts-feeling somewhat vulnerable not only due to the act in itself, but also through the lack of a mobile phone (I used my phone for calls/texts/checking emails/mp3s/as a camera and for taking notes for short story/poetry ideas).

That would be the 'bad' news I alluded to in my previous post.

Secondly, exams have been taking place, report cards are due next week and the school has seen fit to demand pupil's work be scanned in order to contribute to the school yearbook (yeah, I know-what the fuck?).  As a result, I've been pretty bush-whacked by the end of every workday and lacking the overall motivation to indulge in a spot of writing.

Finally, and most importantly, I've interviewed and been accepted for what seems to be a more reputable international school in China, commencing in August.  As disappointing as cutting short my Russian experience will be, the school I'm currently serving time at is a bit of a joke.  They have no idea when the end of term will be (something that should have been decided upon at the beginning of the academic year) and they are still having severe difficulties in deciding what sort of market they want to cater for-either bilingual or an exclusively international school.  The lack of real management and drive renders most of the teachers' decisions regarding the children's education completely redundant.  Perhaps most sickening of all, is that a simply toxic member of staff is now being given the boot, but only after causing absolute motherfucking chaos in staff-meetings; undermining various members of staff to pupils (including me); bullying students and staff alike; and doing her utmost to bugger up any school run activity (Book Week springs to mind).

"Couldn't run a piss up in a brewery" is a particularly apt phrase, I feel.

And we all know how difficult that is.

Often these sort of situations provide learning opportunities if one is capable of just a smidgen of self-reflection.   So, what have I learned from all this?  What catharsis is to be had?

One thing and one thing alone: don't update your blog in a few weeks and watch everybody start emailing you again.

Yup.  

Shame on you all.

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"I'm fucking smart."

-D.

Beer and Movies

With a long weekend ahead due to May 9th Celebrations taking place all over Russia on Monday, I thought I'd post an update to say how I'm spending a Friday evening.  I've invited some old and new friends over for the night: Erdinger Weissbier, Weihenstephaner Original, Hoegaarden, Hofbrauhaus, Paulaner and 'The Untouchables' Special Edition.


Sure, I'm a little inebriated; sure the acting is a little hammy; however, the direction (De Palma), the story arc (Mamet-for the love of Christ check out 'Glengarry Glenross' if you haven't seen it already) and the score (I fucking love Ennio Morricone) all contribute to what was a resoundingly good (if slightly melodramatic) interpretation of the Ness-Capone stand-off.  Here's hoping that Season 2/3 of Boardwalk Empire might verge in that direction. 

"Blah, blah, blah-Insecure semi-xenophobic comment-but it doesn't matter because somehow I'll get killed off at the very end of the second act and your final retribution will be perfectly justified."

I know I've been rather lax in updating of late, but there's some good news and a little bad news to follow in the next week or so, so stay tuned.
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"A man become pre-eminent, he is expected to have enthusiasms...enthusiasms...enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration?  What is that which gives me joy?"


-D.